simple as it seems

We all make mistakes. Some larger than others, some can be fixed, others will live with us to death. Some change facts on us, some change characters. Mistakes can break a life, family, friendship, relationship, everything. Mistakes can also make things stronger, better, amazing.

But who really knows the results. And who holds the controls? Who is the holder of your heart, reactions, love? And why initiate when you know it’s wrong? Why insist when you don’t even desire?

And why, above all else… why am I still trying to buy love, buy friendship, buy affection. Why do I assume that I owe myself to others, as a thank you. A thank you for nothing! Why do I have the vicious circle of pleasing others when I am empty, nothing inside. Rien de rien. I give no more because I have nothing left to give. I seek no more because I know the answers. I love no more because I know the pain.

And this is all a part of growing up, growing old, growing. And this is all a part of callouses on the bottom of my feet. And this is all a part of realizing that nothing really ever mattered, nothing really held any meaning—any heart. It was emptiness, it was lies, and it was all a mistake. 

Non je ne regrette rien.

Today I have off. Off completely. I think… well chores are sometimes therapeutic, so I’m not complaining about those. I sometimes enjoy them. I really don’t mind laundry or vacuuming or cooking or dishes. They’re fun, sometimes. It’s nice to change up the monotomy and regular-ness of work.

It’s nice to rest, too, though. Today is one of those days. I slept in. I was so impressed with myself—that I actually slept in. In fact, I was so impressed that I slept to 6:20am without waking up… and then rolled over and fell straight back asleep, waking every hour until 9am came about and finally cooed me out of bed. I’m not kidding, I’ve not accomplished nearly anything.

I went to the harbor and met my mom and cousins there, we walked and ate… then I went grocery shopping and have come back home since to work, study, write and do laundry/clean. And I’ve made lunch for myself too… my first RAW granola, SunWarrior, chia seeds with mangoes and apricots with coconut milk all blended together for some delicious bliss. I also used my super cute new bamboo board to cut it all on. I’m really excited about it.

I want to go to Tahiti. I think this is the main reason that I cannot allow myself to settle here in California. Because I need to go to Tahiti. I am saving for it. Actually not for right now, but long term. I don’t want to just go and do the vacation thing. I want to go and experience Tahiti in a local manner, with frangipani and breadfruit. I am looking at their job market and making myself needed, so I can get a proper visa and see if I’d like to spend a lifetime there. I’m looking into social work. I think that’d be great! Maybe?

I think I’m going to stay in San Clemente for as long as I want… which could be a long while. And when I get ants in my pants and know that I am able to comfortably afford a different view, a new life… I’ll move. As long as there is a swing set close enough for me to go to, right? I mean that’s all that matters. I was considering working overnights and stopping eating and selling my car and buying a motor cycle… then I could save so much money and spend the day in the sun and then have a funky time. But let’s be serious, that’s not happening. I couldn’t stop eating fruit, it’s impossible. And then I’d just spend money on flowers.

So I’m buying some plants right now so I can start making loose leaf tea. And I am thinking about making soaps and bath scrubs and candles. And I started collecting anemone skeletons too. And the table is coming along really well, but I think for right now I’m just going to hang the glass on a wall, because I don’t have a base… and it’s really hard to find a place that sells only an antique table base. So that’s taking it’s sweeeeet time happening. I’m not opposed to the wall art for right now. It’s the ideal time to get artsy fartsy, actually. All times are good times to get artsy fartsy. I think it’s me accomplishing things… or knowing I have the ability to do what I love and make my dreams come true. That is the point of it all, right?

I like to think so. Anyways, I need to get on creating. The day is young and the energy is sweet. Let’s create!

x, Liv